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There are three steps to execute this system correctly:
Disengage
Continuing to engage with your child when they show negative behaviors, such as telling you NO, is one of the worst things you can do since it unintentionally teaches them that their negative behaviors work and that you’ll meet their expectations instead of them having to meet yours. To prevent this, come up with an expectation and “set-it-and-forget-it” as soon as possible to disengage with them to encourage them to come to you, rather than you going to them.
Example. “I need you to put that away right now and let me know when you’re done.”
Deflect
If they continue to go back and forth with you, your next job is to deflect to maintain your expectation and to prevent them from negotiating their way out of it. You can deflect by walking away, ignoring their attempts to break you, firmly repeating your expectation and disregarding everything else they say, or by using a contingency agreement.
Contingency Agreement: “I’m happy to listen to you after you put that away and speak to me respectfully.”
Keep in mind that sometimes you might have to make them choose between meeting the expectation or receiving a consequence, like this:
“If you want to use that tomorrow I need you to put that away right now.”
Accept
Finally, after they’ve had their emotional moment and begin to meet your expectation, accept their effort to change by praising them instead of denying them.
Example: “Good job getting it together and putting that away. I knew you could do it.”
Zack Kasabo is a certified school counselor who has worked with extremely challenging behaviors for over eight years outside of Philadelphia, PA. He is the owner of Kasabo Behavior Management which is a coaching service specializing in helping parents manage their child's challenging behavior in 8 weeks or less.
You can schedule your free consultation today to learn more by going to: www.coachkasabo.com
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